The Cancerous Adventures of Maria Suzanna
by Lazuli's Wings
Summary: My first attempt at a joke story. I'd delete it but rereading it, it's just too damn hilarious.
1. Maria Suzanna (Original)

hay guys thnx for cliking this stury b4 we start i wanna thank my frend taylor for helping me write this and help with speling! this fic is much beter wit her halp! leaf ur creetisismz in da commence! BUT NO H8! complaments only pls!

maria suzanna (ME! haha :D) was your basic, average, ordinary, everyday gurl. except she was a SUPAWITCH (a species i made up! hehe :3), meening she had awesome powerz! ever since she was a little baby she could fly, shoot out beams of anything, and was prtty much a GODESS. (also, ORIGINUL CARACTUR DO NUT STEEL!) she has been alive since the beginning of time and is very beatifull and nice and smart! but she was kinda self-concious, so she is NUT a mary su! OKAY?! she also decided that she would go to hogwarts shcool of wichcraft and she was like bestis with everywon, even the teechers!  
"hey maria i luv ur hare" called mcgonagul as she passed by  
"i like yours 2!11!" said maria back to her  
"maria pls dat me" called deen simons  
"lol no i hav standards besides im dating hary k?" maria said back as she flew acros the coridor  
finally marias boyfrend hary poter cot up to her "hey wanna hang out at the gryffindor common room for netflix and chill" he said  
maria flipped her long beutiful blond hair that had pink and purpel strips in it "no if were gunna hang out lets do it in my common room since i was so speshil the sortin hat gave me my own house wich is called glitterstripe"  
"good idea" said hary  
so they got to the glitterstripe common room which was decoratd in fluffy pink and purpel and wite with sparkls evrywere and turned on the huge flatscren tv and ate magic candy with no caloris (maria had a prety skiny body)  
they watchd romans movis the whol night on marias free netfliks accunt and mad out and had a little bits of sexytims ;)  
in the mornin they were still up tho and maria axed hary abut that SKANK and HUSBAND STEELer GIny weesly! (I hate her SO MUCH :( )  
"oh im not dating her anymore i came to my senses when i first lade eys on u maria :)" he sed  
maria flaped her gorgus wite wings and stratend her gold and saffire tiara (yea shes an angle princes 2) "ily hary"  
"rawr XD" he said "that means ily in dinusar"  
"aw thats so cyut" she sed  
then VuLDaMERT (sery if i culdnt spel i didnt read all the boks! :/ dont judj meh!) crashd in thru the wal he sed "hary i cahm (lol CAME XD) to kinapp u and ur gurlfrend maria 2!" he evilly laughed and did the kewl thing were thunder goes of in the background of an evil guy then he ferced a gag onto harys mowth  
"maria you hav to help mehh!" he said  
"dont wury hun i got this!" maria said she fired off a beam of majic enrgy which blastd vuldy to peeses! she took the gag off harys mowth and they kised pashunatly  
"wat woold i do withowt you maria" hary said gazzing in to her beutiful rainbow eys  
"prolly di" she said back and they both laffed  
the next morning the ministr of majic came over to glitterstripe and gav maria a medal of onor (idk how 2 spel it sry - ) wich she added to her growing colecshun and he also maryd them! "i pronunce u 2, the boy hoo livd and the gurl who savd, husband and wif!" he said exitdly  
the cople kised and fierwurks went of to signefy a romantik hapy end and that SKANK and HUSBAND STEELer GIny weesly lewkd on in jelisy

Then an asteroid flew down from the sky and blasted them all to bits.

THE END!  
xoxoxoxo~~~~~~~


	2. Maria Suzanna (GC)

Hey, guys, thanks for clicking this story! Before we start, I want to thank my friend Taylor for helping me write this and help with speling! This fic is much better with her help! Leave your criticisms in the comments! _But no hate!_ Compliments only, please!

Maria Suzanna (Me! Haha!) was your basic, average, ordinary, everyday girl, except she was a _superwitch_ (a species _I_ made up! Haha!), meaning she had awesome powers! Ever since she was a little baby, she could fly, shoot out beams of anything, and was pretty much a _goddess_. (Also, original character! Do not steal!) She has been alive since the beginning of time and is very beautiful, nice, and smart! But, she was kind of self-conscious, so she is _not_ a Mary Sue! _Okay?!_ She also decided that she would go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and she was besties with everyone, even the teachers!

"Hey, Maria, I love your hair," called McGonagall as she passed by.

"I like yours, too!" Maria said back to her.

"Maria, please date me!" called Dean Simmons.

Maria giggled. "Haha, no. I have standards! Besides, I'm dating harry, okay?" she said back as she flew across the corridor.

Finally, Maria's boyfriend, Harry Potter, caught up to her. "Hey, wanna hang out at the Gryffindor common room for Netflix and chill?" he asked.

Maria flipped her long, beautiful blonde hair that had pink and purple stripes in it. "No, if we're gonna hang out, let's do it in my common room, since I was so special that the Sorting Hat gave me my own House, which is called Glitterstripe."

"Good idea," said Harry.

They got to the Glitterstripe common room, which was decorated in fluffy pink, purple and white with sparkles everywhere. They turned on the huge flatscreen TV and ate magical candy with no calories. (Maria had a pretty and skinny body.)

They watched romance movies the whole night on Maria's free Netflix account, made out, and had a little bit of sexy time.

In the morning, though, they were still up. Maria asked Harry abut that _skank_ and _husband stealer_ Ginny Weasley! (I hate her _so much!_ )

"Oh, I'm not dating her anymore. I came to my senses when I first laid eyes on you, Maria," he said.

Maria flapped her gorgeous white wings and straightened her gold-and-sapphire tiara (Yeah, she's an angel princess, too.) "I love you, Harry."

"Rawr," he said. "That means 'I love you' in dinosaur."

"Aww, that's so cute!" she said.

Then, _Voldemort_ crashed in through the wall! He said "Harry, I came (Haha, came.) to kidnap you, and your girlfriend, Maria, too!" He evilly laughed and did the cool thing where thunder goes off in the background behind an evil guy. Then he forced a gag onto Harry's mouth.

"Maria, you've got to help me!" he said.

"Don't worry, hon, I got this!" Maria said. She fired off a beam of magical energy, which blasted Voldy to pieces! She took the gag off of Harry's mouth and they kissed passionately.

"What would I do without you, Maria?" Harry said, gazing into her beautiful rainbow eyes.

"Probably die," she replied, and they both laughed.

The next morning, the Minister of Magic came over to Glitterstripe and gave Maria a medal of honor, which she added to her growing collection. He also married them!

"I pronounce you two, the Boy who Lived and the Girl who Saved, husband and wife!" the Minister said excitedly.

The couple kissed and fireworks went off to signify a romantic happy ending, and that _skank_ and _husband stealer_ Ginny Weasley looked on in jealousy.

Then an asteroid flew down from the sky and blasted them all to bits.

THE END!  
xoxoxoxo~~~~~~~


	3. The Birth of a Sue (Original)

A/N: Yes, this is me, the real author. No, I am not staying in character. Want proof? I actually know what the Pythagorian Theorem is and how to spell its name. Besides, when I am speaking as myself, directly to you wonderful people, the readers, I will mark the paragraph as an author note. Whew, thank goodness I got that squared away. I just wanted to thank you guys for the wonderful reviews you gave the first chapter! I didn't think it would get so much attention. I didn't think I would be writing more chapters for this story, I planned to keep it as a one-shot. So the story is now a collection of kinda-sorta-maybe one-shots about Maria. Oops. I got inspiration from cheeseandhamburger's "The Nature of the Beast". It's hilarious, I really reccomend it. Thank you, Cheese. Now, on with the story!

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HEYO! THIS IS DA NEXT CHAPTA OFF DA STUREE! THNX 4 DA SUPA NIS COMMENCE! but i don get y ur callin it a paruhdy wuchoo meen? i lewked it up and it says something made as a joke? THIS IS NOT A JOKE DIS IS A DRAMATIK SERIUS STUREEE! IM NOT TRYNA B FUNY! UR SO MEAN OMG! I SWARE THIS IS ALL U GUYS ARE GETTIN UNTIL I GET 10000 NISE REVIEWS THAT LIKE THIS STUREE AS I ROTE IT! aniwa dis chateu is aboot how maria wuz borrn! so exiting i get 2 doo an origine sturee! shes like a reel supaheroe! xoxoxoxo~~~  
bascally supawiches rnt rly born exactly butt they cum from da ski already as they r furevah!  
so back in the dimenshun and holey land off magilon, 100000000s off yeers agoo, da ski bcame purpel, pinke, and wite. than raes off holey suhnshien caym frum da ski and lite up da land! magik ribones off energee, coloerd pinke n purpel n wite flew n da ayre n combyned and gloed and Scarlette Elena Liberty Fionna Isabelle Nala Sycamore Elsa Renée Tamagotchi Maria Anastasia Regalia Yvonne Suzanna Umeko Esmeralda wuz borne!  
(yes das her FULL, REEL NAME! EYE DAMAND DAT EVERY OF U USSE IT WEN U REFFUR 2 HER!)  
she wuz bootiful! she had long golden hare that flowd 2 her ancles and neva got tangeld and woer a gold n saffire tiarah. her skin was puer wite as sno. she had glimerin ranebo eyes dat sparkuld mor dan dA FRIKIN SUHN, and lipes ass reed ass a cheery! here ilashes wer da sise off fethas! her bewbs were lushis and hyooj!the dress she wore was strapless and whitch with a pinke and purpel sashe! her wite wings were bootiful and fethery and could fli anywere!  
2 angles apeered next 2 her. they blew trumpets to announce her birth! "PRESENTING… SCARLETTE ELENA LIBERTY FIONNA ISABELLE NALA SYCAMORE ELSA RENEE TAMAGOTCHI MARIA ANASTASIA REGALIA YVONNE SUZANNA UMEKO ESMERALDA!" they came down frum da ski and maria wuz home!  
than sudenli a pak off vishus deemone wolffs came! dey bit ppl n wer savij! sew mani supawiches wer ded! then maria fierd a beem off majical energee frum her hands an killled all off da vishus deeomone wolfs! den she brot evry1 who did bak 2 lyf! she safd her owne dimenshun! (SEEE HOW IS DAT A BAD CARACTURR? SHE SAFED HER DIMENSHUN!)  
BUT WATE! nut evry1 lyked hur 4 dis! sum ppl didunt lyk hur bcuz dey thot she brot da wolffs! so maria had 2 go on a kwest 2 proov hurself! (SEEE? NUT EVRY1 LYKS HER SO SHE IS NUT A MARY SUE! OK?)

"Wow, what a brat," said one of the superwitches.

SO MARIA BLASTED HUR IN2 DA SKI! well, what happened to maria n hur kwest? FIEND OWT NEXT TIEM! (sry, i hafta go 2 bed bc i have skool tmr)  
BYE! XOXOXOXOXOXO~~~~~~

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A/N: Good lord. That was physically painful to write. I'd appreciate it if you left a review for me as a reward for my suffering. To all of you who made it this far, I am so sorry.


	4. The Birth of a Sue (GC)

A/N: Yes, this is me, the real author. No, I am not staying in character. Want proof? I actually know what the Pythagorian Theorem is and how to spell its name. Besides, when I am speaking as myself, directly to you wonderful people, the readers, I will mark the paragraph as an author note. Whew, thank goodness I got that squared away. I just wanted to thank you guys for the wonderful reviews you gave the first chapter! I didn't think it would get so much attention. I didn't think I would be writing more chapters for this story, I planned to keep it as a one-shot. So the story is now a collection of kinda-sorta-maybe one-shots about Maria. Oops. I got inspiration from cheeseandhamburger's "The Nature of the Beast". It's hilarious, I really reccomend it. Thank you, Cheese. Now, on with the story!

* * *

 _Hey! This is the next chapter of the story! Thanks for the super nice comments!_ But I don't get why you're calling it a parody, what do you mean? I looked it up and it says a parody is something made as a joke. _This is not a joke, this is a dramatic and serious story! I'm not trying to be funny! You're so mean, oh my god! I swear, this is all that you guys are getting until I get ten thousand nice reviews that like this story as I wrote it!_ Anyway, this chapter is about how Maria was born! So exciting, I get to do an origin story! She's like a real superhero! xoxoxoxo~~~

Bascally superwitches aren't really "born", exactly, but they come from the sky, already as they are, forever!

So, back in the dimension and holy land of Magilon, hundreds of millions of years ago, the sky became purple, pink, and white. Then, rays of holy sunshine came from the sky and lit up the land! Magic ribbons of energy, colored pink, purple, and white, flew in the air, combined, and glowed and Scarlette Elena Liberty Fionna Isabelle Nala Sycamore Elsa Renée Tamagotchi Maria Anastasia Regalia Yvonne Suzanna Umeko Esmeralda was born!

(Yes, that's her _full, real name! I demand that every of you use it when you refer to her!_ )

She was beautiful! She had long golden hair that flowed to her ankles and never got tangeled. She also wore a gold-and-sapphire tiara. Her skin was as pure white as snow. She had glimmering rainbow eyes that sparkled more than the fricking sun and lips as red as a cherry! Her eyelashes were the size of feathers! Her boobs were luscious and huge! The dress she wore was strapless with a pink and purple sash! Her white wings were beautiful, feathery, and could fly anywere!

Two angels appeared next to her. They blew trumpets to announce her birth! " _Presenting… Scarlette Elena Liberty Fionna Isabelle Nala Sycamore Elsa Renée Tamagotchi Maria Anastasia Regalia Yvonne Suzanna Umeko Esmeralda!_ " They came down from the sky and Maria was home!

Then, suddenly, a pack of vicious demon wolves came! They bit people and were savage! So many superwitches were dead! Then, Maria fired a beam of magical energy from her hands and killed all of the vicious demon wolves! Then, she brought everyone who died back to life! She saved her own dimension! ( _See? How is that a bad character? She saved her dimension!_ )

 _But wait!_ Not everyone liked her for this! Some people didn't like her because they thought she brought the wolves! So Maria had to go on a quest to prove herself! ( _See? Not everyone likes her, so she is not a Mary Sue! Okay?_ )

"Wow, what a brat," said one of the surviving superwitches.

 _So Maria blasted her into the sky!_ Well, what happened to Maria and her quest? Find out next time! (Sorry, I have to go to bed because I have school tomorrow.)  
 _Bye!_ XOXOXOXOXOXO~~~~~~

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A/N: Good lord. That was physically painful to write. I'd appreciate it if you left a review for me as a reward for my suffering. To all of you who made it this far, I am so sorry.


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